AndieCrafts

I am listening to Stevie Wonder’s “That’s What Friends Are For” and it just make me want to cry more, knowing how bad my day went. Generally, the day did not go as planned. I wanted to be alone for lunch, and just study until my brains blow out, but I was not able to do that. Instead, I hung out with my pals, but the bad thing is that they could never even dare wait for me. They just kept leaving me far behind. Although this is true even before, the symbolism of my being behind at a reasonable distance all the time signifies that I am always at a watch for the back of my friends, and my friends leading me to a better place. But lately, the distance has been going significantly high. I guess they do not treat me as ‘ohana’ anymore. Or maybe they have not considered me family in the first place.

Lately, my mood has been always in the lower scale of tolerance. If I were a bit older, some might even think that I am undergoing menopause. It might just be because I have not had much sleep. But then again, when did I have any proper sleep when I started college? I really do not know why I feel so sucked up—all I know is that I hate this feeling and it makes me wish I were dead most of the time. I know it is not a healthy way of viewing things—people say I have so much ahead of me that will go to waste if I died, or, killed myself—but I just cannot help but wish I had another blade by my side to ease my pain. It is really odd to consider that right now, I wish people would leave me alone, and yet I wish I am not so alone.

Ever since he started to publicly announce his like for someone like me, everything changed. Although not right away, everything changed. I have suddenly lost almost all the respect I have for my existence, and I doubt if I would be able to redeem that anytime soon. It is also apparent that others, especially the guys in our class, have lost their respect for me. I have lost focus for my future, but I am trying to gain that one back. And yet the fact remains that he is the reason why my pals and I have grown so much apart in so little time, and that make my focus trickle like water in cupped hands all the more. I am suddenly in a position to question whether it was right for me to give him another chance. It has jeopardized all sorts of friendship I am involved with, and I can no longer see the way in which our possible relationship could lead to my advantage. Call me selfish, call me paranoid, but unless you can accept me for who I am, then keep those thoughts to yourself. I guess people make too many jokes of me being crazy without realizing that I might just have a seriously big psychological problem.

I ate too many calories for this week, and I doubt if I would be losing any weight for the rest of my life. I believe that I will remain the fattest person alive, and people will disrespect me because of that. I have had only three hours of sleep yesterday, and I might have even less sleep tonight. I am losing my pals to a guy I do not think I could ever love. I do not think I am capable of loving, and that anybody will be capable of loving me. My only true best friend is miles away and I miss her so much I wish I were dead so my soul could go to where she is. My feet are numb, and I hate the song I am listening to right now. In chemistry lab, the substance that composed aspirin is heavier than the tablet. My head hurts, and my asthma is flaring up again. A very heavy thing fell on my foot and I guess it hit a vein, and it is bleeding right now. I might limp tomorrow because of my newly developed wound. I have so many wounds of so many different kinds that I do not know where I should start healing. Now, it is time for you to say something. Do you think I am fine?

I look at the mess that is my room, and I realize, it is not so messy anymore. Then I remember that I did tidy it up a little, two days ago, and now I know why I feel still tired despite the seven hours of sleep I have had. I woke up at about 4 in the morning just to study for my P.E. class, which is very extraordinary, since I rarely study for P.E., except when it is not really P.E. anymore but more of anatomy (which happened last semester), and since I plainly hate dancing, even in its more technical terms. After I finished studying, I realized that there was more to it than just plain studying. So much of me has changed for the past year, and I cannot even begin to fathom the fact that I had been so different from other people, not because I really was, but either because others made me that way, or I chose to be that way. I changed in my views of school, and life. In my past life, I looked at school as nothing more than an annoying set of buildings with teachers made to make the life of their students as wretched as possible. Although I still sometimes look at school in this manner, I do so now in a more dignified manner with noble intentions to add. I also got attached with my teenage hormones, allowing emotions of confusing quality, and not the love for my God, to reign over me. Granting that I might not exactly be living my words, I do try, and it is not exactly that easy. Of course it goes without saying that a lot of things are easier said than done, no matter how cliché that may be.

One of the reasons why I am updating right now is because I want to be not so early for school. Kim just sent me a message at four o’clock, saying that he is studying for P.E. as well, and he might just be early for school. He noted the fact that I have been ignoring him all day yesterday, and he expressed his want of not being ignored today. But I really do not know… Halfway into the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, I was willing to give him another chance, but finishing it was just another story. I really do not know. I am so confused, as many people would probably be in my situation. Anyway, I constantly believe that I should not be even troubling myself with such matters, since I have a lot more to my mind and time than I can even manage.

And so I shall say my farewell, for school is waiting, my breakfast is waiting, and my medicines are waiting. I shall try to update once again when I get home from school, praying that I will not be so tired when I do.

I just got home from school, and I really feel so tired, and hungry. I have only eaten a spoonful of rice, and a very little amount of scrambled eggs and corned beef for breakfast. Then I ate a cup of rice with kare-kare for lunch, and drank iced tea before I left school. And I would have to eat dinner as well, because I am currently taking those asthma medicines (corticosteroids) that make me fatter by the pill. Well, generally, my day went just fine for someone who hates going back to school, and going back made me remember my real responsibilities for my future. Anyway, right now, I really, really want to box my mom’s nose, for she is starting to bring up the issue of my bad habit again.

Now, back to my school issue. I just hated to go back to school. I still am so tired and I really do wish that I would not have to go back to school until I feel like it. But I have my responsibilities to fulfill, and going to school is just one of those responsibilities I have to endure no matter how miserable my life gets when I do. Anyway, I would rather feel a little bleak right now than be completely dismal later. And I guess that school is not really that bad, especially when one has friends to endure that agony of going daily to school, having to learn stuff one will not really apply in real life or in having a career, and will probably just forget once a two-week Christmas break meets them with an auspicious eye (guilt admitted here!).

I have had a goal of transferring to a better college, which is the University of the Philippines Diliman Campus. And of becoming a First Honors Dean’s Lister this semester. Those two actually coincide with one another, and achieving one would generally mean that I have accomplished the other. I really want these goals so bad, and this want (perhaps even a need?) is not without its own reasons and advantages.

Being a First Honors Dean’s Lister would mean a more beautiful transcript, and keeping up such feat will most probably mean that nobody should be likely to ignore me in a forthcoming chapter of my life when I am looking for a job. Working for such an honor would be difficult, I know, but its rewards are more gratifying in ways more than one. I shall be able to have a more promising future, and my parents will have more reasons to rejoice and relax, knowing that they shall never be left to wander astray when they start losing certain bodily functions that old age brings along with it. Not to forget that acquiring such honor shall give more glory to my God, knowing that I have used the potentials He has given me in the best way that I could.

The other goal, however, magnifies the rewards brought about by my other goal. Going to a better school shall bring me better prospects for work. Going to this school also means cutting down expenses. It would have been fine if I were studying in my present school, even with its expenses, only if I am able to see the worth of my parents’ money. We pay such a large tuition, and yet the services, the quality of education, some teachers (if not most), and the classrooms reek real badly!!! Some people may put up with such an abomination, and might even consider it quite a blessing to study in my current school, but I certainly do not! Finally, selfish as it may sound, I really want to try my luck away from home. I am so tired with having my mom, or my sister, or my brother having to treat me poorly, even if I have tried to change my ways. I somehow believe that being away from home for a while might really buy me time to improve my relationship with my family, because sometimes, spending too much time with certain people might just bring a certain familiarity that brings about unmeant hurtful treatment and wounding words.

It is raining right now, and I am tempted to go outside and soak myself until the rain washes my internal organs away. Sounds gross right? Despite the grotesque situation I would really want to experience, I shall restrain myself, for my goals, and my health. I might catch the occasional bug, and things can get pretty nasty when I have the flu, considering the situation I am in right now, which is that of the almost futile exertion of effort trying to tame my asthma. And that might mean having to miss a few days of school, which, by far, I have not dared to do in college. Anyway, I shall be resting now, or I might play the Sims (I hate to admit it, but I am ALMOST addicted to the game), if no one else is using the computer outside. I shall attempt to update one more time before the day ends.