andiecrafts

I am listening to Stevie Wonder’s “That’s What Friends Are For” and it just make me want to cry more, knowing how bad my day went. Generally, the day did not go as planned. I wanted to be alone for lunch, and just study until my brains blow out, but I was not able to do that. Instead, I hung out with my pals, but the bad thing is that they could never even dare wait for me. They just kept leaving me far behind. Although this is true even before, the symbolism of my being behind at a reasonable distance all the time signifies that I am always at a watch for the back of my friends, and my friends leading me to a better place. But lately, the distance has been going significantly high. I guess they do not treat me as ‘ohana’ anymore. Or maybe they have not considered me family in the first place.

Lately, my mood has been always in the lower scale of tolerance. If I were a bit older, some might even think that I am undergoing menopause. It might just be because I have not had much sleep. But then again, when did I have any proper sleep when I started college? I really do not know why I feel so sucked up—all I know is that I hate this feeling and it makes me wish I were dead most of the time. I know it is not a healthy way of viewing things—people say I have so much ahead of me that will go to waste if I died, or, killed myself—but I just cannot help but wish I had another blade by my side to ease my pain. It is really odd to consider that right now, I wish people would leave me alone, and yet I wish I am not so alone.

Ever since he started to publicly announce his like for someone like me, everything changed. Although not right away, everything changed. I have suddenly lost almost all the respect I have for my existence, and I doubt if I would be able to redeem that anytime soon. It is also apparent that others, especially the guys in our class, have lost their respect for me. I have lost focus for my future, but I am trying to gain that one back. And yet the fact remains that he is the reason why my pals and I have grown so much apart in so little time, and that make my focus trickle like water in cupped hands all the more. I am suddenly in a position to question whether it was right for me to give him another chance. It has jeopardized all sorts of friendship I am involved with, and I can no longer see the way in which our possible relationship could lead to my advantage. Call me selfish, call me paranoid, but unless you can accept me for who I am, then keep those thoughts to yourself. I guess people make too many jokes of me being crazy without realizing that I might just have a seriously big psychological problem.

I ate too many calories for this week, and I doubt if I would be losing any weight for the rest of my life. I believe that I will remain the fattest person alive, and people will disrespect me because of that. I have had only three hours of sleep yesterday, and I might have even less sleep tonight. I am losing my pals to a guy I do not think I could ever love. I do not think I am capable of loving, and that anybody will be capable of loving me. My only true best friend is miles away and I miss her so much I wish I were dead so my soul could go to where she is. My feet are numb, and I hate the song I am listening to right now. In chemistry lab, the substance that composed aspirin is heavier than the tablet. My head hurts, and my asthma is flaring up again. A very heavy thing fell on my foot and I guess it hit a vein, and it is bleeding right now. I might limp tomorrow because of my newly developed wound. I have so many wounds of so many different kinds that I do not know where I should start healing. Now, it is time for you to say something. Do you think I am fine?