Human beings, despite the natural evils that exist in their hearts, have an innate ability to care for others. Only our ‘animal instincts’ lead us to kill each other for survival.
I am feeling extraordinarily stupid right now. I guess I have to go back to sleep right away.
Am I incapable of loving? After all, it is only when one has learned to love oneself can one truly love others. It seems that I have yet to traverse a long and rocky path before reaching a point where I can truly say that I love myself.
It is not that I depise myself, but I do not see any importance for my being either. I know that others consider me important, and I know that many rely on me. But with that knowledge, I gain not love for myself, but only confidence. The most wicked kind of confidence, as the absence of love allows so. Confidence in, but the lack of love and appreciation for my own abilities. This eventually leads to the wavering of confidence in the aspect of being loved: whoever could find something in me that they could love when even I could find nothing, no matter how diligent I may search. In this doubt, a final result, which is the apparent inability to love others, arises. A dilemma with which I can seem to find no way out. A problem which brings me to tears as I fall to sleep wishing I would not wake up the next day. My slow and painful death with which prayers of someone who will save me from the unknown root of my sadness seem to go unnoticed.
I have spent the past few days feeling completely depressed. I have even begun slashing again. But what amazes and scares me at the same time is my newly developed ability of hiding this depression. I have managed to journey head on throughout the past few days with a smile on my face, despite the presence of a wound, perhaps a hole, in my heart. Perhaps I am slowly morphing into an introvert being. A possibility, welcome as it may sound, which scares me to my very bones. After all, becoming a more shelled-up individual might just be the final ingredient to the completion of my demise. But anyway, who would care, right? I mean, if I managed to go through with it, everyone out there will just take me for another nutcase. In my case, a final act of self-sacrifice through suicide will only give more justice to the equation substituting my entire persona with insanity.
No wonder why most of the politicians here in the Philippines are involved with movie stars (either it is a past or current occupation, or they are married to one). The activity of politicians here can actually make people dumb! Just like a lot of movies and tv shows . With what I have gone through today, I have come up with a very stable and strong resolution: with all the things I could ever do with my life, becoming a politician will surely be not one of them.