another bout of anger and hatred

Not too many things will be needed to finally blow me up at this very moment. My anger is even starting to scare me pretty bad. My entire body is going stiff just so the fragile (normally, they are not fragile. They only become so due to my Herculean violence.) things surrounding me could still manage to find themselves whole once we get back to our real house. Damn it! My anger is starting to make me cry. I want to kill someone. I want to kill myself!

I can find no reason at all for this unmatched anger and hatred I feel. It would bring me at least some comfort just knowing for whom or for what exactly do I have these emotions for. And yet, unluckily, I am no more knowledgeable in these terms. I keep thinking about it, and the more I do, the angrier I get. What the hell is wrong with me?

I feel so unloved and alone. It has been so long since someone has hugged me… I guess I need a hug badly right now.

insanity strikes

I am not eating. Ever.

normality

I am back into a sane state of mind. Although I would have to admit that my insanity level yesterday was way beyond what one could accept normal, such as the amount of insanity should be enough to last anyone planning to venture a step away from normality a lifetime. The bruises I have managed to implement on my obese body have turned into an ugly shade of purple: something quite unpleasant to show, especially to social workers. Sometimes, the pain one could implement upon one’s own self amazes me, for sometimes, it delivers the greatest pains and gratification at the same time.

I am very scared. I am scared of so many things, and yet no heroes have come to my rescue. I wish the people who surround me are not easily frightened by the fierceness with which I try to cover up my fears and pains. The fears and pains which haunt me day after day, with hopes of a savior only in the form of death.

Is this being normal, or is this, again, being me (which, by the way, adds up to complete insanity)?

depression

My depression knows no bounds. Currently, I am depressed due to a WPA of 93.86. That is just an approximation, since my beautiful teacher (it pains me to write such big a lie) in CWTS has not made the effort to give our grades on time. How difficult is a WPA of 94 to achieve?

I cannot help but lead myself into thinking that perhaps I am cursed. I can never obtain those things I work terribly hard for. And yet something at the back of my mind tells me that I am just acting like a human, whose contentment will always be just beyond the horizon: never in sight, all impossible to reach.

I am pained by everything that is happening to me. I am wondering whether happiness will ever look back and see me, and finally find some time to rest in my senses, even for just a while. And yet perhaps, happiness is just another sibling of contentment, whose absence will lead me to a life of living death.

i live to die

I have nobody. I am nobody. I am all alone. The most stupid thing here is that I cannot find any reason for my existence other than the theory I have conjured eons ago: that I live only to die. If such is true, then I believe it is better for me to take my own life, for would it not be a lot better than have other factors finish our only purpose in life? It would be ugly to die through somebody else’s hand, or because of spontaneous methods, since we already experience a lot of the unkown in our lives, and so why let the unkown fulfill the task for which we were born (that is to die)? If we were born to die (which, in my opinion, is very logical) , then it is better for us to take matters into our own hands. After all, who would care… especially for someone like me?

save me from myself

Suddenly, everything seems to make me sad. My mobile pet just died, and I almost cried. I did not do well on my exams yesterday, and I feel really bad, I just want to die. What is wrong with me? I cannot seem to understand even my own self anymore.

reflections of the insane

I am looking for my God. I want to be able to smile even in the most harsh of times, just knowing that He is there, watching over me. Although someone could make me smile by his or her mere presence, I do not think that he or she is a god.

I really want to bring even the least bit of understanding into this little brain of mine just so I might finally give my entire being to Him. After all, who would want to give everything up for something one could not understand, right?

There are so many things I want to be able to accomplish on pure faith. And if possible, I want to do these things at the soonest possible time.

iligtas niyo ako sa aking sarili

Ito ang pinakaunang entry na naisulat ko sa Filipino. Malapit na akong mabaliw sa bahay na ito. Wala na akong nakukuha ni katiting na katahimikan. Paano ako makakapag-aral nito, ni hindi ko man lamang marinig ang sarili kong mag-isip? Gusto ko nang umuwi! Gusto ko nang lumayas! Gusto ko nang mamatay!

i cannot think

My brother is in tornado mode. My sister is in no-commonsense mode. These two modes add up to chaos. Yet there is this one mode that really gets to me, and that is my mother’s loudspeaker mode. Apparently, she could not have chosen a better day than this to be in her ‘best’ mode. I believe I am actually experiencing the ultimate end of the world! I cannot hear myself think! I am so tired and yet nobody would allow my rest. The best thing I could think of doing right now is to kill myself. Or get somebody else to kill me. Either way, at least I get to have a rest from this life I could describe as a slow and painful death. I wish I could cry but I cannot. I wish someone would save me from this sadness. I cannot seem to find an end to this wreath of loneliness that apparently envelopes my entire being.

reflections of the insane

Why do we constanly feel the need to cry over the silliest of things? The worst part of it is that even though we know we are crying over silly things, we cannot seem to stop ourselves from crying anyway. I guess with the booming popularity of the television, humans cannot seem to have enough of drama that they just have to experience it in their lives as well.

I wonder if the television has already existed in “Anne of the Green Gables?”