perfectionism and pessimism

My perfectionist methods have begun paving ways for pessimistic views. I have started to notice that the frequency of my pessimistic thoughts have reached quite an alarming point. I have been having thoughts, generally about loved ones leaving my life forever in ways highly unrecommended. To say it this way highly alleviates the gore and complete lack of hope which accompanies these pessimistic thoughts. Nevertheless, the very truth remains that the carefree person that I was might be going away completely and too soon.

It brings a little consolation when I think about the changes that had been happening to the ways with which I have chosen to live my life. And yet it scares me to no bounds just knowing that I may die sad and too soon should every drop of who I was completely drain from my very soul.

the joy in being with friends

I got home late today, and I am so tired. But upon remembering the events that have transpired tonight, I have realized that friends are one of the greatest gifts one could ever have.

Mujik, Menchie and I spent almost 2 hours just talking. It has been quite a long time since we have done that. Honestly, the joy I have felt, and still do feel, just because of spending some short, but nevertheless meaningful, quality time with friends will never, never be matched by even the most flowery of words.

tears

I have managed to fight my tears back. To compare me to a really heavy cloud would be quite appropriate. Everything that is happening to me right now has become too heavy for me to bear. I am not sure if I can hold it back any longer. I need to take a break really soon. I hope a 3-day weekend will be enough.

My face is starting to crease badly becuase of my constant frowning. I will try to smile my way through tomorrow. I am not sure if I will be able to utter anything at all, though. Right now, I can compare my tears to water in a basin. But I am not sure whether I can be this strong forever. I might end up carrying my water in a cellophane. That would lead to further complications since a small hole might cause everything to break out, just as a word might bring with it the tears I have been holding back.

sadness and sorrow

What is the difference between sadness and sorrow? Which one is deeper? Which one kills the fastest? What am I feeling right now? Can my life get any worse than this?

after the donuts

I guess the donuts did not help. I am feeling worse than ever. I want to cry, but I cannot. My privacy is quite limited for the meantime, but I guess there are other ways to express my emotions. I’ll just save my tears until I get my own room back.

I have come up with a new theorem which I am currently trying to prove: I can be happy even when I am sad. I guess one’s disposition is one’s choice. To be able to prove this theorem, I have to be less expressive of my emotions: should these be good or bad.

The reason behind my desire to prove this theorem is the eventual results of my expressiveness. I have managed to express both angry and positive emotions, but it seems that the more I expressed my regard for others, the more license I give them to hurt me. I am currently so hurt in ways no one will ever know. Sometimes, I just wish that humans were more cannibalistic, so that instead of tearing my heart slowly and emotionally, they would do it in a faster and more physical manner. This way, the suffering only occurs once, and for only a short period of time.

dirt

I currently feel like dirt. I feel like nothing. I am treating myself to coffee and donuts, and I really do pray that I will feel better after this.

had a bad day again…

I have just had a really bad day. To say that I woke up on the worst side of the bed would be the ultimate understatement. Every little thing either irritates me or just immediately blows me up. For example:

- someone brushes against me in the most unnoticeable manner
- someone says or asks something so obvious one cannot help but become angry at their
unmatched stupidity
- someone suddenly appears, even though their presence is most inconvenient and
highly unwanted
- somebody makes me cram
- things do not go my way because of the absurdity and childishness of others
- and so the list goes on…

Maybe I am just too sensitive. It cannot be the mood swings brought about my monthly period, since it is still but a couple of weeks away. Perhaps I am just acting like a brat. Whatever is happening to me right now will perhaps remain just another of the numerous mysteries surrounding us.

FOLLOW UP:

Whatever is the difference between love and infatuation? I see so many infatuated youngsters surrounding me, and yet they keep on claiming that they are in love. Lately, that has been irritating me a lot, since I am starting to forget the definition of love I have always been taught (in churches, by my parents, etc…). I do not believe that jealousy is a part of this ‘love,’ but why do many people immediately believe that they are ‘in love’ when they suddenly morph into green-eyed monsters upon seeing someone they like flirting with a person other than themselves.

WHO THE HECK AM I KIDDING!?!?!?! Why do I always like something I could never have?

I plan on seeking my revenge. The only way I could do this is by becoming a flirt.

happiness and hope

I have long since forgotten how true happiness could be. Its presence could be determined and undermined only by the exceptional power which eternally envelopes the human mind. Happiness could only be established once the human mind perceives it so. Some say that contentment, blessings, and various what-have-yous accompany happiness, but I daresay happiness can stand firmly on its own.

Sadly, I am standing nowhere near the blissful light brought about by happiness. My mere presence disgusts me in some ways, and other seemingly invaluable and meaningless things make their way to haunt me intolerably. Apparently, hope comes naturally as a figment of my imagination, paving no walkable path for happiness.

Yet, on my honor (and desperation), I am saying that there is still some hope for someone like me. There always is. I do hope, a lot, and I am furthermore hoping that someone or something will finally come my way to fulfill these hopes which make my life more tolerable despite all the horrors that surround me eternally.

the harm of compassion…

I keep thinking about the mistakes I have made in my entire life. I should admit that there is quite a number of them. Reflecting on these mistakes made me consider the factors that contributed to their formation, and sadly, compassion is one of the leading factors I have come up with.

Compassion is usually considered a good thing. Sometimes, it is the only thing that distinguishes the good from the bad. Yet considering the bad karma I have had endured due to my numerous mistakes, it suddenly becomes very difficult for me to imagine how my life has come to an extent where my sufferings are brought about by supposedly righteous things, which, in this case, is compassion.

I currently do not have the heart to mention the biggest mistakes in my life, since most, if not all, of which are brought about by compassion. Further reflection upon my situation makes me consider things other than the emotions or values behind the mistakes which eternally haunt me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with my values at all. Maybe, the only unnacceptable variable in this situation is me. Perhaps, my crooked ways know absolutely no bounds, considering the extent to which they have managed to manipulate the good values I was brought up to consider as the roads to righteousness.