It is never easy being a mentally unwell person. I am, therefore, I am speaking on experience.
I feel so crazy right now. Damn it!
I wish I could have that eternal sunshine which belongs to the spotless mind.
Damn it!
The only person I could trust now is the shit that is me. That is not much, but I guess I do not have much of a choice.
I feel like shit. I feel so worthless. I feel like nothing. I feel like dirt. The worst part of what I am feeling right now is the knowldge that no matter how I would try to clean myself up, I will always end up feeling so dirty and worthless.
Generally, I am nothing to the people that surround me. So sue me for being so realistically shit-like. Sue me for being so stupid and miserable. Doing so is like suing a cat for purring.
Damn it! I guess I am nothing but shit after all.
My body feels so tired. I feel like I have already endured a million years on this earth. I can barely think, let alone invoke words to pacify me through the revelation of my soul. Words are escaping me exponentially as of this moment in time.
I just had to write this down. If my life should end before my next article, then a conclusion could be derived from the situation: that I have died of a certain illness of whose specifics I knew not even a speck.
It is the moment of calm after the storm. I know not what may happen after this. An after shock may occur, or a period of still calm may prevail: all util the next catastrophe may come. I am so tired. My body and my soul are exhausted. My eyes are finally dry after being flooded for so long. Everything feels so heavy: my breathing, my sight, and even the simple task of holding a pen. I am pale and sick from having let the clouds rain on me, and letting my eyes follow the same suit. I am just so tired. Tired of everything.
I AM SO DARN ANGRY!!! THEY ARE TAKING AWAY THE ONLY PLACE WHERE I HAVE FELT REAL PEACE AND SOLITUDE MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I hate this family!!! The worst part of it is that I am hating myslef more than ever!!!
I am going to find a blade. I need to free my sorrows. Tears aren’t enough. If I won’t bleed, I am going to die really soon.
Today is a witness of one of the nicest weathers I have ever taken into account. I have my windows wide open, and the cold air keeps rushing in, filling me with fresh oxygen and goosebumps. The rain falls TO the ground, and yet FOR something else. It acts as if it feels for me. As if it is doing its free fall to remind me of my state, and yet comfort me by letting me know that I am not alone.
The weather is making my respiratory system go haywire. My nose is clogged, and my lungs feel heavy. Nevertheless, this is the kind of weather which makes me feel so whole. This kind of weather makes me feel as if I fit in with the world, when exactly that is something which might never happen in real life. But I guess knowing the truth yet feeling otherwise brings with it some priceless comfort. A comfort of feeling something but not owning that which brings an immeasurable amount of burden to one’s soul.
I wish this moment will last forever. I wish I shall forever be stuck in this room, listening to the CD which I gave away for my 18th birthday. How I wish I will never have to face life’s problems anymore, especially the latest that has plagued my life.
Sigh.
I wish for too many things…
How does one deal with things that are never meant to be? Should one keep trying, leave things in the trust of a greater one, or just simply quit? Why do I have to bother myself with such thoughts when I have long made up my mind concerning these things? Why do I have to keep thinking twice when plain thinking just seems to make me all the more stupid? Damn all these questions! They are making my head throb as hard as drum sticks against drums.
I feel so confused. I am slowly becoming more of a romantic every second, and it is starting to make me sick! I am feeling so much attachment to things, I can no longer decide which ones are logical. I find it more difficult to think and focus a lot of the time, and every day that passes just cannot seem to stop taking away the little strength left in my knees until they deserve nothing other than painful amputation. I feel so old, yet so rejuvenated. My mind can comprehend absolutely nothing, and yet everything makes complete sense. Irony is becoming nothing short of a best friend.
It is official. It is confirmed. I AM GOING NUTS!!!
I just had to get that out of my system. It has been bothering me for quite a while now, and it has been taking, at the least, a couple of hours of my desperately needed daily sleep. I have decided that my sleep is more important than ironic thoughts. Thus, my readers (if there are any) should be left to suffer by trying to digest words that make no sense at all.
Amazing how words could manage to escape me yet fill my soul with its presence. Amazing how the sun rises and sets each and everyday. Amazing how I hate to get up the moment the rays of the sun touches my face, and yet I still do it, anyway. Amazing how ironic life really gets.
I have been trying to enumerate the magical things present in my life. I did not expect to find so much of it, but I did, nevertheless. So much of it, really, that sometimes, I think my heart might just burst with utmost joy and, I don’t know. Maybe love?
Am I in love? I sure am acting like I am. Maybe. But with whom? Or what? Or WHY?
Maybe I am not in love. Maybe, I am just going nuts.