boracay chronicles: part 1

Imagine having so many things to do and think about, you would wish you were in hell, since, apparently, the only thing you will ever worry about there is the scorching heat. Imagine feeling like your body is a million times older than it really was, and eventually cursing the gift of immortality you seem to have. Imagine having to keep on living, and walking, and talking, and doing all those normal life stuff, when all you really want to do is drop dead and rest for eternity.

Those were the things that I felt before that fated day of July 27, 2006.

It all started with the packing of bags. I was not in the mood for packing, so I kept on procrastinating. I officially started packing my bags at around 4 o’clock in the morning of July 27. Amazingly enough, I finished packing within thirty minutes (but unfortunately, I forgot to pack my jacket, malong, and a couple of other things, which I will partially regret later on).

The trip to Boracay was long and tiring, but the juice was entirely worth the squeeze. Kim went to fetch me, and togeteher, we went to the airport. We waited for a couple of hours more for our ride to Iloilo. The plane ride had a total of 2 take-offs (my favorite part of a plane ride by the way), since it stopped at Cebu, before finally reaching Iloilo. We left Davao at around 11 in the morning, then reached Iloilo at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. We haven’t had any lunch yet, and we were going deranged from hunger. We ate at Jollibee at 4 in the afternoon (and mind you, that was our lunch).

We rode a van all the way to Caticlan, Aklan. A whoping 6-hour ride. On the way, I slept, I annoyed fellow Kalasagers, but mostly sang my heart out on any song we ever came to think of. We had our dinner at around 8 or 9 in the evening at Calibo (or was it Caticlan already), and I had some homemade tocino. In Aklan, I learned a few Aklanon words: suya (viand) and iwag (light). Then we reached The pier going to Boracay at around 9 in the evening.

To be continued…

monster

I see a monster each and every day of my life. This monster lives in a place whose doors only I could open. I have an absolute undesire of seeing this monster, but I have no choice: I will see this monster for as long as either I or it will live.

I see a monster each and every day of my life. This monster is entirely pitiable. It has a body ten times as large as mine, but its strength is only equal to that of a mouse. It has eight wings, each of which are 3 times bigger than its body, but it cannot fly nor glide: it can only jump about 2 inches from the floor. It has eyes as big as those records my grandma used to listen to, but it cannot see what is in front of it: it can only see the past. It has teeth sharper, stronger, and scarier than those of a crocodile, paired with a jaw which could easily be pulverized by a mild breeze. It knows ultimately everything there is to know about the world, but its voice simply dissolves in the wind once it speaks. This monster could easily snap the entire universe into two by merely wishing it, but this monster simply does not have any free will.

This monster loves being seen by the world as much as I love seeing it. The only personal treasure it has, in the form of tragic solitude, is being disturbed by my persence, which I wish is transferable. The fragile values I have are being shaken by its presence, which I wish I could be blind to.

I see a monster each and every day of my life, for as long as either I or it will live. For as long this monster lives, so will I.

I see a monster each and every day of my life. I see this monster each and every day of my life, in the mirror.

I see a monster each and every day of my life. This monster is I.

i am hurting

I am hurting so bad. So bad, I need a blade to free me from my pains right now. I need to lock myself in a solitude so silent and cold, just to know I am alive: that somehow, I still have worth in the biological sense. I need to let the blood flow.

I am shaking from head to foot. I can barely breathe, and the tears are flowing like mad

I have to stop the tears from flowing, and start letting the blood do the tears’ job.

If this keeps on happening, I will soon be bleeding myself dry.

abused

I have always thought that bouncing back from horrible eperiences should not be that difficult. I have always thought that it all depended upon how positive a person’s outlook on life is. And once again, I am wrong. Once again, my logic has been proven deniable. Once again, I have proven my own self wrong, and once again, through a difficult and painful way.

I am being abused. My intelligence and my leadership is being taken for granted, and I am perfectly sure that my tolerance for this type of behavior has already reached way below the zero line. Instead of feeling intelligent and important, I am starting to view myself as useless and insignificant. It sure seems like nobody takes me seriously anymore. I am starting to wish I was born entirely stupid. If that should be the case, then whatever treatment I am currently recieving from other people becomes nothing short of fair. If they treat me better than they treat me now… dammit! Why can they not just treat me better NOW!

I am so thakful I got into Kalasag. Whatever I am gets appreciated here, is being put into perfect use (not underused or abused), and is being improved. The happiness I have felt in knowing that I am being appreciated for who I am has met its match not. I guess this happiness should be enough to sustain the strength of my soul for now.

P.S. I still feel damn worthless.

sleepless

Oh, God, help me. I am so tired. I have not had any proper sleep for the past few days. No, weeks. Maybe even months. I am literally just floating by my life today. But I honestly cannot afford to stay this way. I still have so many things to do, so many things to think about, and so many things to reassess.

I was hoping to get some good night’s rest yesterday night, but I had to wake up early in the morning to finish my Financial Management report. I am so friggin tired already, but what can I do? I promised my mom I would not let Kalasag interfere with my dreams of a latin award on March 2009. And right now, I have to try to keep that promise.

I have realized that I am but just human. I have my limitations, and I guess I am testing those limits as of this moment. I am far from through with my Financial Management report, and yet here I am, pouring my heart out on my weblog, as if tomorrow, even later, is but just another abstraction waiting to be understood.

I am so tired, but I still have a lot of things to do, a lot of things to think about, and a lot of things to reassess. The thing I do not need at htis moment in time is to go crazy.

I better get a cup of coffee later.

P.S. Oh my. I still have an exam on Advanced Mathematics. This is going to be one long day. Wish me luck (crossess fingers).

words

To be defined as the very things escaping me right now. I have no idea as to what to say (or even do) as of this moment in time. I am currently in the Kalasag office, and I am taking advantage of the free internet and the comfort of the place (although, I should say it is quite warm in here).

I have not been able to post my other entries here just yet. To my readers (if there are any), I promise to post them before this year ends. I still have a lot of old entries to post, dammit! I am the worst (best, if seen at another point of view) procrastinator that ever lived on the planet.

Hahaay…