new haircut

I usually have my hair cut for either or both of the following reasons: one is when something big is coming up, and two, is when I am depressed. Today, I had my hair cut because of the latter.

I felt really bad today because of a friend. Maybe she’ just having a bad day, or maybe, I’m just a little too sensitive and paranoid. Or maybe it’s because it’s January. January has always been a bad month for me. Depression is at its peak during January, and I frankly cannot understand why. Maybe I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe I’m making things happen. F! What’s with the maybes?!?

There’s only one way to describe my hair right now. Nilamutak siya ng bakla! I told her/him to TRIM my hair. She/He CHOPPED it off. Anyway, at least my hair is much lighter now. I just hope the bangs grow fast, though (I told her/him to give me long bangs, but I guess she/he does not know the difference between long and short. Or maybe, we just have different views about what long is. Oh well…).

P.S. Tomorrow is our class’ retreat. I don’t want to go. I’d rather burn in, not hell, but my mum’s new oven, than spend a night with people who… basta! People! But since I can’t graduate if I miss this retreat (or is that one of the enumerable empty threats the hell I call my school loves to throw at their students), so I might as well start packing now.

a bad day

There are those days when you just can’t help but feel bad for absolutely no reason at all. This is one of those days.

Maybe absolutely no reason at all is a bit exaggerated. There is always a reason for everything, as they say (and as I am saying, well, writing, right now), but I think my reasons are pretty illogical. And yet when you come to think of it, when did anything ever make sense in the first place?

I sometimes hate myself for a lot of things. Not a big surprise really, since I sometimes hate a lot of things, for a lot of things. Crazy girl. Well, the point is that I hate the fact that I am doing so much for so little. I guess it’s not supposed to matter, especially since I kind of like what I do. But am I really to be blamed if I finally reached the point where exhaustion takes the better of me?

I find it hard to believe that life could get extremely unfair. You work hard for something, you get rewarded. You do something wrong, you suffer. What’s so unfair about that, you may ask. Well, we do get rewarded and punished, but how come the rewards are feeble as compared to the magnificence of the praiseworthy act, and yet the punishments greatly exceed the magnitude of the disgraceful act?

Blessed are those who suffer, for their rewards are written in heaven. Not exactly one of the beatitudes, but I guess you get the point. I guess that statement is supposed to make me feel better, but its doing everything but make me feel better. Why can’t my rewards come NOW!? Sheesh… Crazy AND impatient girl.

Sighing too much is starting to make me hyperventilate. I guess I better go home and sleep this one off.

catching up

I finally have reason to believe that I am catching up with life. Funny how they always say that life is best lived when things are spontaneous. However, the more I allow myself to get too spontaneous, the more I get to pass up on the things that matter most to me. I love planning things as much as I hate it. Nobody can deny that planning ahead takes the fun out of almost everything, yet planning paves more way for fun in the future. Ironic. Just like everything else under the sun.

What the! I can’t believe it! I haven’t written for days, and yet I am running out of words to write! I guess consecutive nights of not getting enough sleep and worrying too much about school stuff drive the words out of me.

my sweet tooth

Most of the happiest memories we have as children are with sweets. Candies, chocolates, ice cream, COOKIES!!! Name it. I’m sure my childhood would not have been as colorful if it weren’t for sweets.

After eating breakfast, I opened the fridge and I saw a bag of Choey Chocos. I felt like eating candy for breakfast, so I took the bag and smuggled it to my room (hahaha! If either my mom or brother finds out about this, I think I’ll be dead meat…). But once I opened the stolen goods in my room, I discovered that the bag did not contain any choey chocos, but that it contained toffees that almost taste like butterfingers. Nyahahaha!!! Despite the lack of sleep, I think I’ll be über hyperactive today…

I remember this one time when I was still five. My dad loved to play basketball and bowling (and had the energy to play then), and he always brought me to his games. There was this bowling tournament (know where the Task Force Davao resides? That’s where they held the bowling tournaments then…), and being the eldest daughter (though I know my dad desperately wished for me to be a son, jajaja…), I had to be good and abide by my dad’s wishes. The venue was so crowded, and I was only five, so I perceived the men surrounding me as giants, and that got me pretty scared.

Then a ray of hope showed. I saw a girl my age among the giants! I approached her, but guess what she did. She shouted at me! I thought then, “Who in their right mind would shout at someone that way?” So I went to my dad and cried. I cried! Pathetic? What would you have done in my place, huh?

My dad, seeing how discomforted I was, took me to JMA (now Davao Central Convenience fronting Uncle Mark in Ecoland) and brought me a bag of toffees. I would say my joy then was equaled only by the joy I had when I discovered I was a dean’s lister last semester (89.09! Jajaja!!!). We went back to the bowling alley, but this time, I had a bag of toffees to keep me busy. When the other girl saw me with candies, she approached me and started being nice to me. I wasn’t the cynic then that I am now, so I gave her some of my candies, and I considered that day to be great for I gained a friend.

Anyway, back to the real point of this entry. The “steal” made me realize that sweets have been a great part of forming me into the person that I am. I have one of the world’s sweetest teeth, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Bribe me with something sweet, and I’ll do whatever you command (especially I you bribe me with cookies). Just a thing to think about for today.

P.S. I can’t believe it! The thirty minutes I spent writing this entry made me eat most of the candies I have (stolen)! I ONLY HAVE TWO LEFT!!! *Sob*

another weather issue

I had been watching the weather for the past few days. It has been raining a lot lately, and while I like the weather, the lack of sunlight actually leads me to a low mood. But today is a different day. The sun is up, up, up, and I can’t help but feel that it is mocking me.

I still have a lot of things to do for this God-forsaken paper, but I am so tired. I am so tired, and frankly, bored to death. I so wish to go outside and bask in the sun before it goes away again (the weatherman said that the rainy weather is going to last for another week or so), but I have my priorities, and that is to graduate with honors. What the F. It feels like this priority is starting to become synonymous with killing myself slowly through boredom, depression, and insanity.

I wonder what I’ll do if I don’t graduate Magna Cum Laude?

musings of a deranged mind

I didn’t get to finish the Methods paper I had to do this morning. In fact, I have barely just begun. *Siiiiiigh…* After giving me irreparable heartaches from the almost eternal (though thank God it was not) company hunt, Methods has finally caught up with me (in a very depressing and suicide-leading way). Oh well.

This is going to be a long, long night. I seriously doubt, though, that I would be the only one missing the bed tonight. I mean, I am not the only one taking the God-forsaken subject. Hmmm… I wonder who gets the biggest eye bags tomorrow…

Haha… Short entry. Crap.

weather issue

I remember this kind of weather almost a year ago. I was sitting on my bed and I was looking out the window of the room I chose for myself. I then wrote things of romance and fantasies: things I rarely allow myself to ponder. Oh, how things cruelly change.

Now, I am in the room my parents chose for me, sitting in front of a desk, Sylvia (the laptop), and windows—a wicked parody to last year’s events. However, I have no time to think of romance, dreams and fantasies—I do not even have the time to write this entry, and yet I have allowed myself the luxury to spare my mind from complete insanity. Instead of looking out a window wherein I could smell the freshness of the morning rain, let my eyes feed on the beauty the morning rain shrouds the surroundings with, and provide my heart with a solitude whose beauty can be matched only by Aphrodite’s, I am facing the windows whose vindictive opaque translucence locks me in this room I so despise (though not as much as I used to), telling me to finish the job I came here to do.

Hahaay… Life… What I would do just to graduate with honors…

P.S. To whoever reads this: DO NOT BE FOOLED! I am only doing my Methods paper, but I am so effing bored and uninspired, I just had to write something else.

and a new year it is…

And into the last minutes of the first day of a brand new year I thus write. By far, the year has been fulfilling, short-lived as it is yet. I have accomplished things I would never be able to accomplish in a million years. Nothing short of a miracle, really.

It has been a while since words have I writ. Long enough to find me in the state of confusion I am in. Such confusion that I know not what words to use or in what order to put them. I shall take my time writing my first entry of the year, lest it should sound nothing more than gibberish from a hunger-deranged beggar. Nonetheless, I shall keep my thoughts and words flowing for tonight.

Prior to this, I had been in a desperate attempt to get into “vanity fair” mode, but as my camera is in such a disagreeable mood, I then decided to write. Other than the busy idleness I experience right now by writing, my day has been full of such rewarding activities, that my strength is totally drained, but completely otherwise with my spirit. I consider this promising day as an omen for the next 364 days.

2005 had been a very boring year (with the exception of a friend’s tragedy), but 2006 was an exciting year in a scary sort of way. So frightening were some of the events that I cannot help but contemplate over and over again about pain and suffering. There were good—no, GREAT—things that happened, too, and somehow, without the misfortunes, those great things would never have been as great. So to everyone who had been part of my crazy 2006, Thank You. I could never be grateful enough for the moments we shared.

2007. To best describe it would be the complete writer’s block I am experiencing right now, as it has barely even begun yet. But my expectations for this year are great, so much so that I could even feel good things coming true right this very instant. We all have this instinct that tells us just how things are going to be, and my instinct strongly tells me that 2007 is MY YEAR. So expect as much as I do that my entries for this year would be full of amazing adventures that should spell success and living fully.

New Year’s Resolutions. I have long grown tired of those things, but I just cant seem to stop making them, nevertheless. So I have summarized all of the things I want to happen this year in one simple objective: To exude the essence of wisdom, thrift, patience, order and beauty for as long as there is life within me (*crosses fingers*). Pretty general, but it is better than noting.

Five minutes to a new day and drooping eyes. Things that tell me that the time has come to end this day as well as this entry.

Good night.