andiecrafts

I could, and will, call this day the lowest I have had in a very long while. I have had my short bouts of anger, madness, and, well, pretty much every disturbing emotion there is, but none has gone as long, and as lonesome as this, that is, in quite a long while now. The worst part of this emotional trench is that I have managed to smile and laugh while having this weird and indescribable pain in my chest not even the most powerful painkiller could murder.

I’m tired, lost, and literally falling to pieces, and no one even knows, all the more care. The relationships I have been getting my strength from now make me weaker. Right now, all I need is a little attention and a tad of understanding. But I guess I cannot afford that with my meager salary.

I had a fight with the woman whom I thought would understand me the most. Right now is a difficult time for me, but I am facing it with a smiling face despite the big dark circles that are forming under my eyes. My commitments, which are my job, school, and Kalasag, confuse me a lot, but I know I’ll get by. I am still adjusting, and I thought she’d understand that. I know I’m sick and that I should do everything to make my body stronger, but I have other things going for me, too. Of all people whom I thought would understand, she failed me miserably. With what just happened, I feel like I’ve just lost my home.

I thought I’d be getting the additional support I have been needing desperately someplace, but the past few days have proven me wrong. The little attention, help, and laughter have now run out of supply, and I feel like such an effing idiot. I feel like stabbing myself in the chest every time I solicit some attention and yet it returns big and empty, not unlike a hard slap in the face. I feel like melting every time my words end up unheard and simply dissolved in the wind. I am so lost, I feel like the second home I came running to when I lost my first was burned down by a merciless arsonist - leaving nothing behind.

I am spending my time in the office, quite alone and much, much lonelier. I have only two places to go, but the reasons to actually do so have strayed. I feel like I know everyone, but nobody knows me. I am even crying myself silly right now, believe it or not.

What if i went someplace where nobody really knew my name? My current world is spent on coexisting with people who knows my face and name but not me. What would it feel like to be a real stranger in a strange new place? Would starting anew become reality and not just some part of a song I so love? Would I find myself and in the process pave way for others to find me?

I am homeless… Please help me find a new home…

That is if my old ones are far too broken to be repaired…