tired
Friday, February 27th, 2009I am the most tired that I have ever been my entire life, right at this very moment. And being tired is making me the most intellectually incapable person on the planet. Small desicions become long, silent, and lagging arguments that never reach a logical point. A good example is today. I have been the most stupid person today, and I hate myself for it.
The past few weeks have all been a blur. Nights are not only sleepless, but days have become rather meaningless, and I don’t mean that in an emo way. Think “I went to school, barely on time because I had to spend an hour debating with myself on whether or not I will ever find fulfillment by going to school, then spent the entire day not trying to fall asleep. Then, I went back home, where everything I do is still for school. And since I can’t think quite straight, I spent half my time at home staring blankly into space in a stupid, useless, and definitely not-quite-as-fun-as-staring-blankly-into-space-used-to-be kind of way.” meaningless. I am tired, and it is evident in everything I do. I have lost the luster of someone they called brilliant. I have lost the passion of someone they called creative. And I have lost the little hope I used to have that kept propelling me to continue functioning.
I am tired. I have been slowed down in every aspect of my life. I am the fattest that I ever was. I am the tardiest that I ever was. I am the slowest that I ever was. I am the most uninspired that I ever was. And I am the most useless that I ever was. This morning, I spent an hour in bed, thinking how I got into this mess that is my life. After which, I spent another 30 minutes thinking if anything I ever did was good enough. This afternoon, I spent 30 minutes thinking, again, if anything I ever did was good enough, and if the paper I was to hand in was good enough, and if there was still time for me to make a new one after spending days making the thing, eventually deciding not to change it, then realizing I was already late for submission. Yesterday, I spent the entire afternoon deleting whole chunks of my supposedly 5-page article into 1.5 pages. The week before, and I mean 7 days ago, I spent the entire day wondering if the Feasibility Study I was about to hand in was good enough, instead of making it good enough. The day before that, I made a list of things I should have changed with the FS, ending up changing the list of things to change, then making another list of things to change with the already edited list of things to change that I have made. I am so tired, yet utterly dissatisfied, yet hopelessly stuck in rutty rush, that all I could ever do is stare in awe at just how wrong my life has gone.
I am doing this to make myself feel better. I have tried to read a book, listen to music, play the piano, and play the guitar before this, but none have proven themselves therapeutic. I can’t sleep, as the disturbing situation I have found myself in has caused me to lose any interest in self preservation. I am now mildy considering Kuya Erik’s proposal of selling my soul to the devil just to make life a bit easier to bear (Here’s the story: I told Kuya Erik that I wanted to hang myself and he told me he wanted to do the same. It’s just that since he’s going to hell if he did, he’d much rather sell his soul to the devil instead. That way, he gets to have power and money and a bit of satisfaction before he died and went to hell.).
After graduation (if I ever graduate), I will rest and think my life over. Hopefully, I get another chance to change my life for the better over the course of summer.
