andiecrafts

Only I can blame myself for having ever lost my great appetite for living. I only have myself to blame, and it is I who is suffering most by the choices I have made. I am, by no means, wiser, but at least I have managed to reflect upon the things that have happened, and still are happening. I am, by no means, happier, but at least I have found some sense of peace. Surprisingly, I have come to enough senses to realize that life isn’t about me. The only thing left unanswered here is what is life really all about?

I have been lost for almost three weeks now. And in those three weeks, I have let myself go. I have gained an unreasonable amount of weight due to my frequent visits to certain fast food restaurants. The weight is doing horrors for my health, and I easily tire, which I do not need right now. I can barely remember doing anything worthwhile for the past few weeks, save doing some videos that bring a smile to my face and add spice to my mornings. My room, my bag, and my life as a whole, is a bigger mess than the Payatas dumpsite. Even the exams I spend hours studying on, and consequent to which are high scores, barely reduce the fact that I am unhappy. The exams which I haven’t studied for just contribute to my despair. But then, peace brings with it an acceptable sense of being fulfilled, that’s why I know that I’ll get through this, for now.

In an episode of South Park, Stan found his friend Butters who just had his heart broken, sitting on a curb, soaked in rain and tears. Butters said, “Uh, well, yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time, I’m really happy that something could make me feel this sad. It’s like… It makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sadness now is that I felt something really good before… So I have to take the bad with the good… So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.”

My best friend sent me that message when she knew what I did to myself. I still owe her an explanation of what had happened to me, but the mere fact that I had to muster all of the strength, energy, and sanity that I could just to make this entry makes sending her a message almost close to impossible.

To my best friend (you know who you are): I am so sorry for not sending you the email. I am scared, and so lost, and I’m afraid to drag you down with me. I know you are always there, and for that, I say thank you. Thank you, so much.

I am trying so hard to be OK again. Even a SO-SO situation would do me good. It is so difficult to go about life, smiling, when everything inside hurts like a toothpick in the eye. It hurts even more when people mock my sadness. So I had to make Roa Ming. Her other person does not have the right to get depressed.