AndieCrafts

And yet how dead I feel. Christmas is approaching oh-too-soon, and yet I barely feel its spirit. I guess Christmas isn’t the way it used to be: it has become extremely commercialized, and the market makes it seem as if Christmas is nothing if it were not for the lights, the food, and the gifts. Either that, or the fact that maybe it is I who have changed.

Maybe I have transformed into the kind of skeptic and cynic who would never change their views about the world in general, not even at Christmas. The world has made me into the monster that I am right now, and yet I can never blame the world: everything goes not by coincidence but by choice. I guess I took Kuya Ian’s statement that says “When you trust, you get hurt. And that’s part of growing up” too seriously. One could say I am quite untrusting, and even worse, quite incapable of loving. I have expressed those words a million times in my blog, and yet I just cannot seem to stop writing them down over and over again. Maybe I am hoping someone would would sense the desperation in my words and save me. Or maybe by repeating these words again and again, I would finally get over this stage in life (hoping that it is only a stage, and not an eternal suffering). But what if repetition leads my unconscious into thinking that I actually am the monster, and that there is nothing anybody could do about it?

I just received a message from Kuya Nes of Midtown. It says” Like the water, be peaceful; Like earth, know balance; Like fire, love passionately; And like wind, be free. ” The message makes me all the more sad, since a part of me gave reasons for this not being true. The water is not as peaceful as it seems: it has been recently proven, in the form of a tsunami, that the havoc waters can wreak are one of the most monstrous in the world. The earth has lost the balance it has once lived, thanks to exploiters, loggers and hunters that take advantage of whatever she has to offer. Fire, passionate as it may be, causes harm when not needed, and is sometimes too puny when one does not feed it enough. And lastly, the wind is not longer as free as it used to be: people sell oxygen in tanks nowadays. What do you know? My cynicism showing through, and to think it is only a 160-character SMS. Surprise, surprise.

Why the blue mood? Quoting the entry I made on January 4, 2005, I really, really want to box my mom’s nose. Well, maybe not as much as Iwanted to hours ago. She wanted me to make her a prayer, which I did, but was not satisfied with. So she pestered me in the early hours of today’s morning. First straw. Then she got angry at me for something about her requests not being done immediately. Second straw. Then she left the diskette that had the prayer at home, and made me deliver it to her office. Supposedly the last straw, but I let her get away with it anyway. Then she called home again, asking, no, DEMANDING, where the diskette is. Über last straw. I just lost it (but not as bad as I normally would). I mean, she IS my mom, but I believe that she has no right to treat me that way. She was so mean, and right now, I have no plans of coming to her Christmas party at the office. My dad told me to come home at 4 o’clock, and it is 4 o’clock, but I utterly don’t feel like it. I wish I could just stay here in school until I feel like going home.

Oi. My dad made me get the curtains my mom had tailored at my aunt’s. I never want to do another favor for my mom again until she says she’s sorry, but since my dad asked, might as well get it over with anyway. I guess its time to go home now. Ate Ina says my entry is getting too long. Hahaha.

Arrivederci.

P.S.

I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME!!! I have no plans of spending another Christmas party in my mom’s office until midnight with no one to talk to, and with nothing to do. Crap.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 21st, 2006 at 3:04 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.