love and hatred
It has been a really long time since I have written. I find myself in a complex situation. As it is with all complex situations, a way out is almost undecipherable.
Anger, discontent and disappointment are the strongest emotions I feel. sometimes, i believe my mind has no more room for other emotions save the ones mentioned. But then I realize, I have a heart. This heart keeps nagging at me to do something–anything–just to ease the pains I keep experiencing.
What are these pains? I am not sure of the nature of these so-called pains. Sometimes, i think it is the mere pain of loneliness. The loneliness of seeing something you think is right for you, but the uncertainty of existing together is on its peak. Why should humans feel when there is so much to think about? Why can I not just exist to think? I hate feeling. I would rather be numb forever. Feeling requires to much energy, and too much vulnerability.
I am not the love-sick type of person. But considering the state that I am in, I guess I am not any better than all the poets and song-writers constantly indulging in the antiquated and overused topic of romantic love. Maybe I am just over-analyzing things. I like doing that. Minus the emotions.
FOR HIM:
I hate you with all that I have, and yet sometimes, when I see your eyes sparkle like that of a child, I wonder whether we are meant to be together. I am lost, and I sometimes hope at the back of my mind that when I find my path once again, you are there to accompany me all the way. I hope against all odds that you may be able to read this, and yet not understand that it is you who I am yearning for. For when you know it is you I am sick and tired of trying to push out of my mind, then your head might swell. It is fine for your head to swell, if it was not big enough already.
Sigh… I wish I were born a human robot.