sick
I have no one. I am no one. I feel so lost. I admit, I am weak. I find difficulty in handling problems that trifle with my emotions. Emotionally, I am a poorly-built boat: one strong wind can send me falling over myself.
I can trust no one. I have neither talked nor writ of my problems. I have lost my way over and over again, that I can no longer trace which treads have led me to the right direction, and which ones have added to my dissapointing pile of dissapoinments. I have done things to compensate for my confusions: Dark things that I take no one shall be able to understand, all the more accept.
Ironic. I am writing this in the middle of Circuits class, and guess what the teacher has just given us? More problems! But these problems I can take. Math and Physics have proven themselves one of the best friends a person as deranged as I could ever have.
I wonder if she even knows how painful this situation is for me. Is she enjoying it? Or does she think I am enjoying it? How about them: those who were supposed to be my source of strength? Do they even know how deep in pain I am? Are they able to see behind my smiles and see the tears that form on the corners of my eyes? Can they feel the darkness that shroud my being, the darkness that never leaves no matter how many times I cut myself in a vain attempt to remove the darkness from my body along with the blood? I try to be numb but the only thing that stops feeling are my wrists. I try too cry, but the tears just keep forming but never fall. I take that no one shall be able to understand me, not even myself.
I am dying. I have died so many times, I have begun to lost count ages ago. They say I am still young (and sometimes, I say that, too), but I feel like time has taken control over and fast-forwarded me, while everyone else, he gave the chance to live at their own pace. I am so sick of living, and even worse is the fact that life might just be as sick of me, too. I neither deserve nor want life. I have so many reasons not to live, but what I lack is the courage to end it all.
I have no one. I am no one. I am so weak, I can’t even get myself to end this meaningless existence they call my life.
hi roa,you have you. you are you. someone/thing created you. someone/thing took care of you and made you who/what you are right now.. and the fact that you can talk about these things does nothing to convince me of the “fact” that you are weak, as you insist you are. nor does it make think you want to stay lost, if you really are in the first place, at least you have the suspicion you are — most people have been through that too at one time or another and a good number don’t even know they are(lost, that is). and because you can talk about these things i believe you have someone you trust completely/implicitly, the most important person, to trust, the only one that matters actually, in da whole wide earth, YOU.
you know why you wrote that during circuits(math/physics)?because math and physics forces you into the realm of the abstract. devoid of feeling, pure unadulterated reason.solace! hehehe. and if what you say is true about math and physics then i may just be as, if not more, deranged as you cause i love them, i don’t just like them(thus they cannot just be my friends hahaha).
roa, whoever “she” is, it is obvious she has great power over you. and you must’ve had a good, big reason to give her that. i don’t think, but who am i to say this,she’s the type to enjoy another person’s misery simply because you did give her that power over you, which means she must at least have been a very good friend of yours in the past, and it stretches my credulity to try to believe that you can be friends with such persons from what i gather from your posts unless of course your a pathological deceiver?>;p(in that case you won’t be melvs’ friend, or had him completely fooled. haha!)so.either “she” does not have any inkling of wat’s happening with you or she believes that you’d be better off sorting this out by yourself(or at least without her), for watever reason.she has the right to decide too yes? but we can also try to convince others nicely to revise their decision in our favor too, yes?>;p(tell her, if you haven’t yet, ask for help or something. nicely.and respect the answer.)
regarding darkness.. i once had a discussion about it with a good friend. she was saying almost the same thing as you(of course i bet under very different circumstances/context — and i know squat about yours)but she said it was all the same.. evrything was darkness.. and the only thing i came up with to give her, an answer(?), actually, something, anything.. was:“the light that surrounds you will always be darkness if you keep on closing your eyes.”
i hope that does something for you, at least engender a smile, like wat my friend gave me then, that can be a start to get you out of these doldrums hahaha>;p
oh yeah. if you want someone to talk with, hang out with, bring you cookies =)), and no one else is willing.. i’m volunteering ok? you don’t know me but here are my credentials>;p: pisay(smc na tawag ngyn ‘no?) din po, pioneer(as in first batch, soo old haha)atenista din poa nd most importantly you can ask melvs about me. hehehe.. p.s. just hoping to be of service.(there is no higher purpose)
Comment by nick — July 14, 2007 @ 12:37 am
“She” is my mom…
I’m from the thirteenth batch…
:c
Comment by roa ming — July 14, 2007 @ 3:13 pm
i kind of figured she was (good to know i still have intuition of sorts hehehe^_^)
13th??!! hahaha antanda ko na tlga, i feel soo suddenly ancient — hahahahaha =))
Comment by nick — July 15, 2007 @ 9:01 pm