andiecrafts

I hate the saying “Men and Women for others.” It is a paradigm which is constantly fed to students in this stupid university. We are constantly being bombarded with means to do something for others and yet nothing to do for ourselves. It is poisoning me with the thought that by being a person for others I could find myself. But this paradigm is sick. It is sick and it is making me sick of everything, including, no, especially of myself.

Responsibilities are different from helping. Responsibilities are things you have to do, and giving out help is not necessarily required of you. But when you get to think of it, you don’t always get to do your responsibilities, but helping is an act in itself. The saying makes you help, and although it is not required of you, you do it nonetheless, and most of the time, in greater frequencies than you are meant to do. But I digress. I meant to explain the difference just so I could establish what they really mean. Sometimes, we think we are helping people, when in reality, it is our responsibility to do something. Or vice versa. I think man does this in order to reconcile the will to do and the actual doing. People whose will is stronger than their actions tend to think of everything they do as helping: just so when they can’t do it, all they have to say was that it wasn’t required of them in the first place, and that they were kind enough to offer some “help.” People who make things possible but rarely wish them so (maybe because they have better things to do), usually “help.” They do not make promises. They do the best they can. And usually, they end up being “helpful.” But since they were only trying to help, not enough credit could be given to them, unless, of course, whatever they did they claimed as their responsibility. I feel for the latter group of people. They end up becoming bitter. They do and do. They “help.” But rarely, there’s no one to help them back.

I know whatever I’m posting is incoherent. I will not claim otherwise. However, I have to make things clear: I am writing all this because I feel bad. I am trying to be kind, but why, oh, why, is my good humor escaping me? I try, and usually, I end up doing, but if whatever you do is meager “dirty work,” of what importance are you, really? I am intelligent, and people do not realize this and/or the next thing I’m about to say. I have a reason for doing the things I do. My brain is filled with strategies. My brain is filled with math. I rarely do anything that matters greatly just for the heck of it. But nothing ever comes out of whatever I do after I’ve done it.

I know you think I want to quit, whoever you are. That all I do is complain and that I rarely do anything. You have no right to evaluate me for you know not what I do. But you keep my word on this: I AM GOING TO KEEP TRYING BECAUSE I ONCE SAID I LOVED WHAT I DO, and you know what? I STILL DO. I LOVE IT. What I hate is the part where you question the dedication with which I do my job. If I did not love my job, I wouldn’t complain. Why would I? I have stopped complaining about a lot of the crap that has been happening in my life, and I’m not about to start again anytime soon. I do not complain about things that are not important to me. Be proud if I complain about you for that means you matter. And, for the record, if you were in my place, you would complain about what I do, too. But I bet you didn’t know that. What do you knwo about what I do, really? Anyway, you’d continue not knowing because you have more important things to do anyway, compared to my job, right?

I said I’m still going to try. But to hell with trying if it puts me on the edge. This time, if I feel like leaving, I’ll leave without any warning. I swear.